Disrespect is a difficult pill to swallow, especially when it comes from adult children. Parenting is tough, and although good parents do their best, there are always things they wish they could have done differently. Still, they invest years and decades trying to set up their children for success. So it’s a big blow when the kids grow up and treat them with contempt and dismissiveness. Experts weigh in on how to manage the delicate dynamic between parents and their adult children.
What is considered disrespect?
Disrespect means different things to everyone. However, psychologists tend to agree on certain actions, such as stealing, manipulation, damaging property, verbal insults, and physical aggression. It can also come in the form of constantly bringing up your past mistakes and blaming you for all of their struggles. They may pick fights over small things and get angry when you say no. Overall, they may ignore boundaries, be dismissive, and act entitled to your time, energy, and resources, explains Medical News Today.
What isn’t considered disrespect?
On the flip side, some caregivers complain about disrespect, but they are actually referring to disobedience. Therefore, people who want to improve their relationship with their adult children should decide what disrespect means to them. Sometimes, “disrespectful children” try to create boundaries or become more independent. Other times, they act disrespectfully because they feel disrespected. Here are some behaviors parents may view as insolence, but psychologists generally agree are not:
- Asking for privacy
- Holding different opinions
- Offering constructive criticism
- Questioning their parents’ views or decisions
- Discussing the relationship
- Bringing up past hurts in an attempt to get closure
- Limiting how much time they spend with their parents
- Limiting how often their kids see their grandparents
- Asking the grandparents to respect their parenting style
- Choosing life path different than what their parents wanted
1: Reflect on the past
It’s always easier to blame the other person for friction in the relationship, but it’s important to consider your own behaviors as well. Sometimes adult children act out of resentment because of their parents’ past wrongs. Or parents may have neglected to teach about boundaries, so their kids grow up not knowing when their actions are hurtful or inappropriate. Acknowledging past mistakes may seem like you are opening yourself up to more disrespect, but it does the opposite. It validates the child’s feelings and makes them feel supported. It can be the first step to building trust and mutual respect.
2: Re-examine your behavior
Disrespect may come as a response to your current behavior. If you are passive-aggressive, critical, or dismissive of their choices or opinions, it’s likely they will treat you the same. If they insult you and you insult them back, they will continue to do so. At the same time, they may be trying to assert their independence while their well-meaning parents treat them like kids.“At this developmental phase, it’s appropriate to focus on being a mentor rather than a director in your child’s life,” says Carly Harris, LMFT, Family Program Director for Young Adult Services, Newport Healthcare, to Very Well Health.
3: Keep open communication
Any relationship can suffer from a lack of communication, especially if it stems from conflict-avoidance. But if silence hasn’t been helping, it may be time to initiate communication. Make the talk non-confrontational if possible; adult children are more likely to listen if they don’t feel attacked. You can begin by saying how much you love them and that you want to improve your relationship. Instead of pointing out their flaws, focus on how their actions make you feel. Even if they excuse their behavior, the fact remains that they made you feel hurt.
Then open up the floor to them, and try to understand them. Listen without interrupting and keep your responses empathetic and non-judgmental. They could be struggling with life stressors or even a mental illness that is making them uncharacteristically volatile. They may also bring up childhood resentment against you. Remember, listening and accepting responsibility for past mistakes is not an invitation for emotional or verbal abuse. Healthy communication requires mutual respect and attentiveness.
4: Set clear and reasonable boundaries
Boundaries may seem like a way to push people apart, but they actually bring them closer together. “Boundaries define how we’d like to be treated by others,” says Harris. “For parents, specifically with adult children, setting boundaries is about promoting healthy relationships and mutual respect.” Including them in the boundary-making process can help them feel valued, and make them more likely to follow them. Here are some examples of boundaries:
- Don’t use certain words or language when together
- No yelling or insults
- Respect “no” as an answer
- Clean up after yourself
- Call before visiting
- Put a limit on availability for babysitting
- Define how much financial support you are willing to provide
- Ask if they want advice before offering it
5: Reinforce boundaries
Respond calmly but consistently to any boundary violations. For example, if they yell, gently call attention to the behavior, and if they don’t correct themselves, end the conversation and resume when they are calm. Don’t yell back because this will undermine your efforts for peace, and potentially worsen the situation. Respecting boundaries is a two-way street, and fortunately, they are likely to follow your lead. If certain boundaries are repeatedly broken, discuss strategies on how to prevent this. This process can be taxing, but if both sides are trying, it can forge a new healthier and more respectful connection. Keep in mind, boundaries are more like “healthy relationship guidelines” rather than actual rules.
6: Let them make their own decisions
Growing up means making mistakes. Parents don’t want to see their kids fail, but trying to protect them may be hurting the relationship. “It’s important to recognize that adulthood means autonomy, and as parents we really do need to respect that. Sometimes our adult child just doesn’t want to listen to our advice and that’s okay,” says Harris. “We can provide light guidance as they navigate setting their own boundaries, but again, we have to allow them to make their own decisions through their own autonomy over their lives.” It’s painful to watch your adult children suffer but don’t let guilt consume you. At the end of the day, they are responsible for themselves. It’s not your job to fix them or shelter them. All you can do is be their parent, and when they are older, sometimes all you can do is give them love, respect, and emotional support.
7: Be kind to yourself
“As parents, we have to accept that we may have created problems for our children, even when we were making sacrifices and trying to do our absolute best,” says author Joshua Coleman, PhD, to Healthline. “You should have compassion for yourself for doing the best that you could, and you should try to have compassion for your child’s complaint that it wasn’t enough…” Some parents struggle to ask for forgiveness, and some parents struggle to forgive themselves. Being an imperfect parent does not give permission for adult children to be disrespectful as retribution. Remind yourself that you did the best you could with the tools you had available.
As children get older, you may have more time for yourself. Take the opportunity to explore your role outside of being a parent and pursue hobbies that you’ve put on hold. Consider family therapy if you and the child are struggling to communicate and understand each other, and consider individual therapy to express your emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.
Read More: 10 Things to Be Aware Of Before You Give Your Adult Children Money
