Don’t compare your romantic relationship with someone else’s. No relationship is the same, and you never know what’s truly happening behind closed doors. Unless you’re a therapist. Although couples have their own dynamics and expressions of love, therapists have noticed common themes in happy relationships that toxic ones lack. Unlike in rom-coms, these factors don’t include grand gestures or expensive vacations. They are little actions anyone can do for free.
Share small and frequent moments of affection
In a TikTok, couples therapist Kristina Virro advises people to make “micro-moments of connection” throughout the day. “This can look like giving each other a good morning kiss or giving each other a hug before the other person leaves for work,” says Virro. Although these actions seem almost inconsequential, it shows you are thinking about your partner and taking initiative to show them love.
Asking about the other person’s day
“It’s really easy to forget to check in on one another when you just get lost in the hustle and bustle of life,” says Virro. But happy couples value each other as best friends, and they want to know about their going-ons and reconnect during the day. It’s also a good time to practice important communication skills such as active listening, validating each other’s emotions, and acknowledging without judging.
Show appreciation
Never take your partner for granted. You may feel silly thanking them for doing regular tasks, but they will appreciate it. It shows that you see their efforts and are grateful for the little things they do that makes your life easier. This could be as simple as unloading the dryer or taking the kids to soccer practice. “It’s just about creating a loving, kind culture in your home,” says Virro. Without gratitude, partners can begin to feel resentful and resort to a “tit-for-tat” system. But if both people feel appreciated for everything they do, they will be encouraged to give even more.
Resolve conflicts gently
“Disagreements are a natural part of close relationships…” says Dina Chavira, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of VastMind Wellness, PLLC, to Newsweek. “How conflict is handled, however, is a make-or-break factor for couples. Happy couples tend to bring up conflict gently…” Instead of wanting to always be right, the couples approach conflict as a team because their main goal is preserving the relationship. “These couples also make repair attempts, usually involving sincere apologies, if boundaries are crossed,” Chavira says. “…Until we feel an argument is resolved by processing or repairing, we hold on to the pain, anxiety, and resentment in our bodies.”
Have fun together
Fun shouldn’t be only for first dates. According to Chavira, it’s an essential part of a lasting relationship. “Positive experiences can mitigate the effects of conflicts and strengthen the couple bond,” Chavira says. “Research by Aron et al. (2000) showed that couples who engaged in novel and arousing activities experienced an increase in relationship quality that could counteract the natural decline that happens after the honeymoon period.” Couples who prioritize doing fun, new activities together tend to have more relationship satisfaction and have a higher ratio of positive to negative interactions.
Have fun apart
Don’t neglect your individual needs when you’re in a relationship. Stress tends to crop up throughout the day, and you need to ensure you unwind. “Me time” helps clear mental clutter so you can be more present and patient when you spend time with your partner, recommends psychologist Mark Travers to CNBC. Additionally, many couples have separate interests. Although they support each other, they may want to stay on the sidelines. For instance, one may prefer lifting weights while the other prefers running. One may watch comedies while the other binges tearjerkers. So take some time apart to do the things that make you feel like yourself, which happens to be who your partner fell in love with.
Stay realistic
Despite what romantic movies tell you, there are no fireworks or slow-motion to indicate you’ve found your soulmate. And the wedding doesn’t mean the problems are over. “All relationships have their ups and downs,” says author Gregory Scott Brown, MD, to Psych Central. “Couples who are happy do disagree from time to time, but they never lose their core mutual respect for each other…” And don’t enter a relationship expecting your partner to change. The only person you can change is yourself.
Continue to work on the relationship
Some people abandon ship at the first sign of trouble, believing they will find someone better. But once the honeymoon fades and real life begins, they abandon once again. The truth is everyone has flaws and every relationship has bumps. Finding “the one” doesn’t mean the relationship goes into self-driving mode. You need to keep your hands on the wheel, and continuously “tone” it. “To tone a relationship means being intimately attuned to it and to care for it regularly, in the same way you would care for a living being,” says Angela Amias, LCSW. If you connect with someone, don’t worry about settling. Truly happy couples don’t “settle” because they are actively re-falling in love with each other.
Read More: 9 Habits of Couples Who Keep the Spark Alive, No Matter How Many Years They’ve Been Together
